To the Person I Hurt Because of My Borderline Personality Disorder

It has been a little over two years since we broke up, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you — and how I treated you. After having worked on my mental health for the past two years, I am so much healthier and able to see how much I hurt you. I was so unhealthy when we were together, and you tried so hard to urge me to get help, but I simply didn’t know how. For that, I am so sorry.

I am not using my borderline personality disorder (BPD) as an excuse, so please don’t take this that way. I am only trying to explain what I was going through and how unhealthy I was. I know my actions seemed manipulative, and you didn’t deserve to be on the other side of my fury. At the time, I didn’t know I had BPD. I didn’t understand what was going on with my strong emotions and impulsive actions. In hindsight, I can’t help but flinch at how I acted, and my regret runs deep.

In no way am I 100% healthy, and I still struggle each day to manage my strong emotions, impulsive actions, and behaviors that can be seen as manipulative, even though that has never been my intention. The pain I experienced during our breakup was unbearable, and I didn’t know how to process those emotions other than to direct my pain at you. You did not deserve this, and I am forever sorry for how I hurt you.

Being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder has been a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it has helped me to understand why I act the way I do sometimes, and it has allowed me to seek help and work on my responses. But on the other hand, it has also shown me how much I have hurt the people in my life, and the pain that I have caused. I can’t change how I have acted, but I can move forward and work on being better in the future.

I haven’t talked to or seen you in two years, but I wish you nothing but the best and I send you good thoughts every day. I am thankful for the time we had together, and for your trying to get me help. You helped me to see how unhealthy I was and how much work I needed to do on myself. My actions may haunt me, but they have also helped me to learn I needed help, and they have allowed me to use my experiences to help others. No one is perfect, and I can only hope to be better today than I was yesterday. But I will still regret the pain I caused you for the rest of my life.

A diagnosis is not an excuse for behavior, and I know that more than anybody. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I do hope you have been able to heal. You deserve happiness, and I only wish you and your family the best.

Having borderline personality disorder is scary, because I don’t know how I will feel day to day. But I am getting better at managing my symptoms, and I hope in the future I will continue to grow and manage my symptoms better. My work on myself is by no means done, and I am still committed to work on myself and my behaviors through therapy.

I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope maybe someday you will read this. And if you do, I want to thank you for your time. I hope that you are doing well.

Originally published at https://themighty.com.